The set of the sails ...

Teacher: "Little Johnny, give me a sentence using the word 'geometry.' "
Little Johnny: "A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, 'Gee, I'm a tree.' "

A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word fascinate in it. A little girl says, "Walt Disney World is fascinating."
The teacher says, "No, I said fascinate. "

Another little girl says, "There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life."
The teacher again says, "No, the word is fascinate."
Little Johnny yells from the back of the room, "My mom has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the ten buttons on her shirt."

Little Johnny's class is reviewing the alphabet. His teacher knows that he has an "advanced" vocabulary for his age, so she avoids calling on him. When the teacher asks for a word beginning with "A", Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher anticipates he'll say "ass" so she calls on Mary Lou, who says "apple."

This continues because the teacher knows that Little Johnny knows a cuss word for every letter of the alphabet. Then she gets to "R". She can't think of any cuss words that begin with R, so she calls on Johnny.

He exclaims, "R is for rats -- big f**king rats, with 12-inch c**ks!"

Mrs Smith stopped to reprove Johnny for making faces: "Johnny, when I was small, my mother used to tell me that if I made ugly faces, at some moment it would freeze and stay like that." Johnny looked up at her and thoughtfully replied: "Well, Mrs Smith, you can't say you weren't forewarned."

The teacher asked everyone in the class to demonstrate something exciting. When Johnny's turn came, he walked to the blackboard and drew a small dot.

"What's that?" the teacher asked, puzzled.

"It's a period."

"Well, I see that, but what's exciting about a period?"

"Darned if I know, but this morning my sister said she missed one… Dad had a heart attack, mom fainted, and the guy next door shot himself."

If you enjoyed these Little Johnny jokes, you can find more of them there :

http://www.thejokeyard.com/little_johnny_jokes/index.html

http://www.jokes.com/funny-little-johnny

http://jokes4all.net/little%20johnny.html

http://www.angelfire.com/oh2/dazzlindereksjokes/liljohnny.html

Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar, when Ted walks in looking distressed.

"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.

Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk and I was abducted by an alien."

Everyone is shocked. Bill asks, "What did the alien do to you?"

"All I remember is being anally probed," Ted says.

Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"

Ted responds, "Carl."

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

A woman is walking along a beach when she finds an old oil lamp.
She picks it up and rubs it, and out comes a genie.

The genie says to the woman, "Thank you for freeing me from the oil lamp. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your horrible ex-husband will get twice as much. What is your first wish?"

The woman says, "I'd like a million dollars in my bank account, please!"

The genie says, "You now have a million dollars in your bank account, and your ex-husband now has two million dollars. What is your second wish?"

The woman says, "I've always wanted a nice car. I'd like a brand new Rolls-Royce, please!"

The genie says, "You now have a new Rolls-Royce in your garage at home, and your ex-husband now has two new Rolls-Royces. What is your third wish?"

The woman thought for a while and then said, "I'd like you to remove one of my kidneys, please!"

(a kidney : un rein)

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.

The supermarket manager greeted him with a smile and a handshake,
and then gave him a brush, saying "Welcome to Smith's Supermarkets.
Here is a brush - your first job is to sweep the floor."

The young man looked amazed and said, "But I'm a university graduate."

The manager then said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that you were
a university graduate. Give me the brush and I'll show you how to do it."

A teacher said, "Mary, I'd like you to give me a sentence beginning
with 'I', please."

Mary thought for a few seconds and then said, "I is..."

The teacher interrupted her and said, "No Mary, you cannot begin a
sentence with 'I is' - you must use 'I am'."

Mary looked upset and said, "But Miss..."

The teacher shouted, "Give me a sentence beginning with 'I am', please."

Mary shrugged her shoulders and said, "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

An old lady had bought a new carpet and the carpet fitter was fitting
it for her. Once he had fitted it he went outside to have a cigarette,
but he couldn't find his packet of cigarettes.

He looked in all his pockets and in his van, but he just couldn't find
them. So, he went back into the room where he had fitted the carpet to
see if he had dropped the packet in there.

As he entered the room he noticed a small lump under the carpet in the
middle of the room.

He decided to flatten the lump rather than undo all his work, so he took
a hammer and banged the lump until it was flat.

As he was putting his tools away the old lady walked into the room. She
was holding a packet of cigarettes. She said, "I found these in the
hallway. You must have dropped them."

"Now, I just need to find my budgie."

A woman sees a beautiful bracelet in the window of a jewellery shop and
decides that she wants it, but she doesn't have enough money to buy it.

Then she has an idea. She goes into the shop and asks if they will
hold/save the bracelet for her if she pays a small deposit.

The jeweller says that for a deposit of $50 he will hold the bracelet
for her for up to four weeks.

Then he asks her, "When will you come to collect and pay for the bracelet?"

The woman replies, "My husband will come in and pay for the bracelet
as soon as he does something unforgivable. Probably this weekend!"